Feasts and Famines

The last several months have been a really introspective time for me. I’ve had cause to think about a lot of things in my life and ponder what I should do about them. Some of the stuff is personal enough that it doesn’t belong here, but I have a feeling it might be good for me to talk about some of ones that I can. If I’ve learned anything from Amy, it’s that writing can be a really therapeutic thing. Honestly, I don’t do enough of it.

Anyway, one of the more mundane things to come out of this is that I’m finally getting the yard under control. Dad gave me his old riding mower last year, and I finally replaced the hard-to-push walk-behind mower with one that’s better suited for all the slopes and bumps in my yard. I’ve now managed to mow the entire yard something like three times consecutively before it turned into a total jungle. Now, if I can ever manage to get some landscapers out here to help me get a jump start on the edging and the flower beds, it might actually start to look kind of nice out there.

On a more serious note, I’ve thought a lot lately about what seems to be kind of an artifact of my personality. It’s really hard for me to partially concentrate on things. A better way to put it is that I have a hard time dividing my attention. It shows up most prominently in my hobbies and (unfortunately) with friends. As a matter of fact, it’s probably pretty likely that there are friends out there reading this that are nodding their heads right about now.

I don’t mean to be neglectful. When I look back, the logical part of my brain says that all I really need to do is just drop a line and say “Hi” every once in a while. The problem is that kind of thing doesn’t occur to me. I get wrapped up in… whatever it happens to be at any particular time, and I just don’t think about it. Then something will happen (maybe a visit, maybe a crisis that demands attention), and suddenly one of my long-neglected friends will get more attention than he/she ever wanted.

I often wonder if it comes off as insincere. I hope it doesn’t, because it’s not. I have to imagine that it looks like I’m just pretending to pay attention after so long away. It’s not that way, though. Like so many things in my life, I feel fake somehow if I don’t devote complete attention to whoever I’m focused on at the moment. It’s completely sincere, but it has to feel a bit strange when that attention moves on.

I often wonder what it’s like to be able to maintain casual contact with all one’s friends all the time. It seems to come much more easily to other people. I’m sure I could get better at it with some effort, but I just haven’t managed it so far.

So, I don’t know exactly where I was going with that. Maybe nowhere. Maybe this is my way of trying to let some friends know that I haven’t forgotten about them. In truth, though, it’s probably mostly just a way to put these thoughts out where I can see them. Sometimes putting words to things helps me at least get a better grip on them, even if I can’t figure out how to fix them.