I had a realization while I was driving to work this morning…one of those points where you experience something and think, “This is going to be important later. I need to mark it.” Since this web log is my place for recording stuff like that, you (my 5 readers) are about to get an “earful”.
The reason I posted what I did earlier is that it’s another example of one of those times like I suspect this morning is going to be: where something that seemed minor at the time turns out to be the origin point for something significant.
Dangit. My memory problems mean that I’ve lost the “edge” of what I was thinking about earlier. I’m just going to go ahead, though, because I can remember the main point. What it boils down to is that I realized that most of the truly enduring positive things in my life are the result of two basic things, and both of them have been greatly affected by my wreck and put into serious question.
The first thing is my intelligence. I’ve realized that my “raw intellect” was largely unaffected by the wreck. However, my ability to focus on a problem (and, thus, finish it) has been deeply affected. The most relevant example happened near the end of work yesterday. It’s almost like the “scratch space” I use to work on problems (“working memory” maybe?) is much smaller than it used to be. I kept making mistakes that would be obvious even to someone who’s first learning to code. When I re-focused on that part of the problem, I’d lose focus on another aspect of the problem. I got to the point where it didn’t make sense for me to keep “beating my head against the wall”, so I gave up for the day (since it was so close to quitting time anyway). I’m really not sure what to do. My whole life, I’ve depended on the sharpness of my mind. If I can’t trust it, then I’m truly lost.
The other thing is the relationship with Amy. While this was undoubtedly affected by the wreck, we were having problems even before then. Some of you have learned another detail recently, and I want to say that neither Amy nor I (nor my mental therapist) think it’s a reason for the problems (even though it’s obviously related). My (admittedly broken) memory says that we were at the point before the wreck where we could (and did) talk about basically everything. We don’t talk much now (primarily because the wreck’s affect on my voice has resulted in me being shy about using it). I truly miss having a soulmate: someone who understands (often even before I do) what I’m going through. At the same time, I completely understand (intellectually) why she’s distant. Plus, I made a lot of my friends because of her. In situations (like recent ones) where I feel like I’m in conflict with Amy, it’s very difficult not to imagine that they “side” with her. Meanwhile, a large number of people who are primarily my friends either don’t feel comfortable being even a little confrontational with Amy, or Amy won’t listen to them (even if they’re making valid points).
The reason I made the earlier post was because this realization felt like a “turning point” that I needed to mark. I’m not yet at the point where I’m seriously considering killing myself (I’m not “making plans”), but I admit unless things start looking better pretty soon, that might change. I realize that there are tons of people in my life that are willing to help, but I truly don’t know what to ask them to do. I think what I’m missing most right now is comfort from a woman that I’m emotionally convinced cares about me. There are two separate issues there with Amy right now. She’s been doing an excellent job with the “challenge” and “educate” roles. Unfortunately, I’m feeling no “comfort” from her. Even if I did, though, I’m at the point now (partly because I’ve gotten so used to her not providing comfort) that I’m simply not emotionally convinced that she cares about me. I’ve had a number of friends point out all the things she’s done for me in my recovery. In addition, a while back, I gave her an opportunity to “get out”. Instead, she argued why I shouldn’t do it (on the basis of risk to me). Based largely on her argument, I set that idea aside. Neither of us knew that a big change was already in the works that almost certainly would have been a disaster for me if I had followed through (which I probably wouldn’t have anyway, because one of the people I needed to have onboard before I started probably either knew or suspected the “big change”). Because of that (and many other reasons) I’m intellectually convinced that Amy wants security for me. That’s not the same thing as being emotionally convinced she cares about me, though.
Every time I bring this up with friends, I hear about things I should be doing better. While I have absolutely no doubt that there are things I should be doing better, I also get the distinct impression that people are scared to death of how Amy might react if they suggest that she make changes. Because she’s heard so little, I think she may have gotten the impression that this situation we’re in is completely my fault. While I have no doubt that I have a very large share of the responsibility, I don’t believe I have all of it. Moving into my “normal” mode of bowing and scraping and apologizing seems to imply that I do think it’s all my responsibility.
Once again, I feel very melodramatic putting all this in a public post, but I’ve had no luck so far, and if anything has become clear in the last few years, it’s that I truly don’t know who’s going to be my next source of help, so my instinct is to “cast” a fairly wide “net”.