I had a realization while I was driving to work this morning…one of those points where you experience something and think, “This is going to be important later. I need to mark it.” Since this web log is my place for recording stuff like that, you (my 5 readers) are about to get an “earful”. \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n
The reason I posted what I did earlier is that it’s another example of one of those times like I suspect this morning is going to be: where something that seemed minor at the time turns out to be the origin point for something significant.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Dangit. My memory problems mean that I’ve lost the “edge” of what I was thinking about earlier. I’m just going to go ahead, though, because I can remember the main point. What it boils down to is that I realized that most of the truly enduring positive things in my life are the result of two basic things, and both<\/em> of them have been greatly<\/em> affected by my wreck and put into serious question.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The first thing is my intelligence. I’ve realized that my “raw intellect” was largely unaffected by the wreck. However, my ability to focus on a problem (and, thus, finish<\/em> it) has been deeply<\/em> affected. The most relevant example happened near the end of work yesterday. It’s almost like the “scratch space” I use to work on problems (“working memory” maybe?) is much smaller than it used to be. I kept making mistakes that would be obvious even to someone who’s first learning to code. When I re-focused on that part of the problem, I’d lose focus on another<\/em> aspect of the problem. I got to the point where it didn’t make sense for me to keep “beating my head against the wall”, so I gave up for the day (since it was so close to quitting time anyway). I’m really not sure what to do. My whole life<\/em>, I’ve depended on the sharpness of my mind. If I can’t trust it, then I’m truly lost.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The other thing is the relationship with Amy. While this was undoubtedly<\/em> affected by the wreck, we were having problems even before<\/em> then. Some of you have learned another<\/em> detail recently, and I want to say that neither Amy nor I (nor my mental therapist) think it’s a reason for the problems (even though it’s obviously related). My (admittedly broken) memory says that we were at the point before the wreck where we could (and did<\/em>) talk about basically everything<\/em>. We don’t talk much now (primarily because the wreck’s affect on my voice has resulted in me being shy about using it). I truly miss having a soulmate: someone who understands (often even before I do) what I’m going through. At the same time, I completely understand (intellectually) why she’s distant. Plus, I made a lot<\/em> of my friends because of her. In situations (like recent ones) where I feel like I’m in conflict with Amy, it’s very difficult not to imagine that they “side” with her. Meanwhile, a large number of people who are primarily my<\/em> friends either don’t feel comfortable being even a little<\/em> confrontational with Amy, or Amy won’t listen to them (even if they’re making valid points).<\/p>\n\n\n\n The reason I made the earlier post was because this realization felt like a “turning point” that I needed to mark. I’m not yet at the point where I’m seriously considering killing myself (I’m not “making plans”), but I admit unless things start looking better pretty soon, that might change. I realize that there are tons<\/em> of people in my life that are willing to help, but I truly don’t know what to ask them to do. I think what I’m missing most right now is comfort<\/em> from a woman that I’m emotionally convinced<\/em> cares about me. There are two separate issues there with Amy right now. She’s been doing an excellent<\/em> job with the “challenge” and “educate” roles. Unfortunately, I’m feeling no “comfort” from her. Even if I did, though, I’m at the point now (partly because I’ve gotten so used<\/em> to her not providing comfort) that I’m simply not emotionally convinced<\/em> that she cares about me. I’ve had a number of friends point out all the things<\/em> she’s done for me in my recovery. In addition, a while back, I gave her an opportunity to “get out”. Instead, she argued why I shouldn’t<\/em> do it (on the basis of risk to me). Based largely on her argument, I set that idea aside. Neither of us knew that a big change was already in the works that almost certainly would have been a disaster for me if I had followed through (which I probably wouldn’t have anyway, because one of the people I needed to have onboard before I started probably either knew or suspected the “big change”). Because of that (and many other reasons) I’m intellectually<\/em> convinced that Amy wants security for me. That’s not the same thing as being emotionally<\/em> convinced she cares about me, though.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Every time I bring this up with friends, I hear about things I<\/em> should be doing better. While I have absolutely no doubt that there are things I should be doing better, I also get the distinct impression that people are scared to death<\/em> of how Amy might react if they suggest that she<\/em> make changes. Because she’s heard so little<\/em>, I think she may have gotten the impression that this situation we’re in is completely my fault<\/em>. While I have no doubt that I have a very<\/em> large share of the responsibility, I don’t believe I have all<\/em> of it. Moving into my “normal” mode of bowing and scraping and apologizing seems to imply that I do<\/em> think it’s all my responsibility.<\/p>\n\n\n\n