{"id":717,"date":"2012-11-27T00:00:06","date_gmt":"2012-11-27T06:00:06","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/slidingconstant.net\/?p=717"},"modified":"2025-09-20T14:44:05","modified_gmt":"2025-09-20T19:44:05","slug":"content-my-search-solace","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/slidingconstant.net\/?p=717","title":{"rendered":"My Search for Solace"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

The following started as an email reply to a good friend who offered the sincere belief that time spent around friendly people I know at an activity I used to participate in<\/a> would be a “cure” for depression. The more I wrote, the more I realized it should probably be shared with anyone I know who cares to read it. So, here goes…<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Well, “cure” is probably a bit ambitious. Right now, pretty much every way I was accustomed to using to “define” myself (mainly my job as an engineer and my relationship with Amy<\/a>) is turned inside out with its future completely in question. I feel like I’m just “treading water”, and I don’t even know where “land” is. So many people have been trying to help me any and every way they know how (People have been coming “out of the woodwork” from every part of my life, and I truly appreciate what they’ve done and what they’re continuing to do.). The overall goal is to help me find my footing, so I can carry myself forward. It’s an incredibly tricky thing for people (especially Amy) to find the right “balance” to provide the support I need to keep from “drowning” while simultaneously forcing me to learn and continue to become independent. I realize not even I<\/em> can be trusted to know where that point is. If I got everything I’ve asked for, my development would be bypassed, with everything so easy I wouldn’t be forced to grow. On the other hand, without enough help, I would end up fighting so hard to keep my head above water and so depressed about how hard things are that I wouldn’t have the energy to grow. I realize that not even I can tell the difference, and that’s what’s so frustrating. It’s a very narrow space with no markings or ways (that we know of) to see or feel for it, and neither I nor Amy knows how to find it. At best, we’re guessing. On one hand, I feel very “melodramatic” as I write this. On the other hand, I realize my “calibration” is to keep too much to myself, and I suspect this is the first time I’ve felt vulnerable enough to share details that I should have shared a long time ago. I really don’t have a clue what I need, though (especially since what I want<\/em> isn’t the same thing). The other thing that helps make this so complicated is that it’s all wrapped up in whatever in myself I was dealing with even before<\/em> the wreck, so it has been next to impossible to find the dividing line. I realize that to some extent it doesn’t really matter, because I obviously would like to solve both the “before” and the “after” simultaneously. However, that may not be possible (and if it is, there’s no way of knowing that both can be fixed with a single “tactic”). As with many things I’ve written the last few days, I have no idea where this was going. I also don’t know what (if anything) will help. I just know I feel like I’m losing the battle and making no progress. I realize I’m probably going to get an outpouring of sympathy, and I’ll try to thank everyone that provides it. Better than sympathy, though, would be some way to find my way out of this mess.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

The following started as an email reply to a good friend who offered the sincere belief that time spent around friendly people I know at an activity I used to participate in would be a “cure” for depression. The more I wrote, the more I realized it should probably be shared with anyone I know […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[15,2,3,8,25],"class_list":["post-717","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-amy","tag-deep-thoughts","tag-life-eventsnews","tag-rant","tag-recovery"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/slidingconstant.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/717","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/slidingconstant.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/slidingconstant.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/slidingconstant.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/slidingconstant.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=717"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"https:\/\/slidingconstant.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/717\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1579,"href":"https:\/\/slidingconstant.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/717\/revisions\/1579"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/slidingconstant.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=717"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/slidingconstant.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=717"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/slidingconstant.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=717"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}