For anyone who knows me well, it will probably come as no surprise that I was quite relieved when I came up with a reason why this whole situation is (mostly) my fault. For those of you who don’t know me well and, yet, are still interested, I hope by the time you finish reading this “book”, you’ll have a general idea.
Half a week later… and if anything, the extremes of my feelings are worse instead of better. If given the chance, I’m not sure whether I’d throttle her or thank her. There’s not much room for anything in between right now. Either way, I’m pretty sure I’d be bawling while doing it.
I know she wasn’t happy, though. I hope she finds happiness. That’s the honest truth.
I said that I didn’t know which, but I do want to say “thank you” for the best 14+ years of my life (so far).
You know, I was originally writing one of my “extended novel” form posts., but I think I’m going to use this lockup as a signal that I should be doing something a lot shorter. What I was really trying to say was that as strange as it seems, I’ve decided to look at a small slip that resulted in something taking a lot longer than it should have as a sign that I’m gradually getting back to much closer to normal. The way I put it is that it’s a sign that I’m starting to look at things only “n” times (as opposed to “2n” or “3n” times).
Yesterday, I happened upon a web page that had a collection of web comics that all dealt with the difficulties of depression. There was a lot of stuff I related to, but there was one quote in item 15, that really resonated with me:
I had simply become bad at the thing I was best at, and it disappointed everyone, especially me.
That’s how I feel right now.
I had a realization while I was driving to work this morning…one of those points where you experience something and think, “This is going to be important later. I need to mark it.” Since this web log is my place for recording stuff like that, you (my 5 readers) are about to get an “earful”.
I really want to write, but I don’t know what.
I have this very strong desire to put “deep” thoughts out into the world where other people can see them. I strongly suspect it’s a kind of arrogance. Here’s something that I once wrote to a friend:
In my life, it has become very clear from experience that being a good listener for others, sharing deep parts of myself, being tolerant where perhaps others are not… these things are the best way for me to become close to people… to get people to like and respond to me. Some people use charm and charisma. Some people use physical attractiveness. For me, it’s empathy. To put it a bit bluntly, it’s something I’m good at.
I’m not asking for help coming up with things to write about. I guess I wanted to “throw” some thoughts out here. This blog has been as much about self-therapy (even before I had the wreck and started participating in formal therapy) for me as for anything else.
I figured it was a good idea to post about this for a couple of reasons. One is that my web log tends to serve as a set of “reference points” for my memory: a way to anchor events to definite times for when I go back and see them later. Like I’ve said before, I realize that this web log is mostly for me. However, I do know that a few other people keep an eye on it, and when a positive event happens in my life, it’s nice to share it with those people (especially right now when positive things are fairly rare in my life). Anyway, the “positive event” is that I’ve realized I’m in a good mood this morning. That’s all. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but I bet there are at least 3 or 4 people out there who will cheer when they see this.
The following started as an email reply to a good friend who offered the sincere belief that time spent around friendly people I know at an activity I used to participate in would be a “cure” for depression. The more I wrote, the more I realized it should probably be shared with anyone I know who cares to read it. So, here goes…